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Model Trains

“Kinky sex is a hobby like model train building — people labor for years in their basements to get good at it, and though most people don’t want to hear about it, other aficionados happily visit to check out their work. Vanilla sex is like running — it doesn’t take much equipment, it’s supposed to come naturally, it gets harder as we age, and it’s socially approved, but few people really work at it.”

Holly has done it again. Just wow. And though it was not of her creation, I find so much about this quote to be amazing. Just thought I’d share that real quick. Here’s s linkback for ya:


The One

“the idea that there’s a The One out there is less likely than vampire unicorns.”
~ Pervocracy

Oh Holly, how you brighten my day with random ridiculousness. Also, this concept is something I’m coming to realize. Even if you don’t think he’s “the One” (if you believe in its existence) it doesn’t change the fact that he loves you. So why not say “que sera, sera” and just let it happen. It’d be stupid to end a relationship just because you don’t think you’re fated or true love or something. Cuz really, any love can be true. So as long as he loves you, keep loving him. It’s really that simple. Kinda.


They toll not for me. My brother got married this weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was a bridesmaid, so I was made up all girly and prissy. It was weird, but awesome. The event lasted all weekend and was quite a huge deal. I’m very impressed with how it all came together so well and, as I told the happy couple, I couldn’t have thrown a better wedding myself. It was everything I could have imagined and more. I told my brother at the reception that I’m very proud of him. He was confused and asked me why. I smiled, saying “if my big geeky brother can find true love and happiness in this world, it gives me hope that I can too”, then sipped my champagne and just grinned. It was nice to have a brother/sister moment there. I think it also gave him a clue to my uncertainties about my status with Irish, but also my hopes that it’ll work. Honestly, at this point I can’t say for sure either way of how I think it’ll go. I’m just going with the flow. But back to the wedding stuffs, here’s a breakdown of the weekend.

Saturday – Rehearsal/Dinner:
We parked at the Rusty Scupper then walked up to Federal Hill to do a run-through of the ceremony. I finally found out which of my brother’s friends would be walking me down the aisle and when we did our rehearsal walk, we both started strutting with this silly walk, with no prompting or collaboration at all. It was pretty amazing. We both were giggling about it afterwards. Dinner was at the Rusty Scupper, which sounds terrible, but was actually pretty good.  Open bar and good crab soup. And then chocolate fondue for dessert. So full of win. Except for the fact that the fondue fountain got way too hot and burned the chocolate. But oh well. Twas still good.

Sunday – Prep/Wedding:
Woke up around 7 to go to breakfast at Miss Shirley’s Cafe. The selection there was amazing, but I just wasn’t that hungry. I ended up with sweet tea(with a sprig of mint), Cinnamon Danish pancakes, and bacon. Ate about half the pancakes before I just couldn’t do it anymore. It sucked a bit because I’ve learned that to me, pancakes are like Chinese food – I get hungry again an hour later. And it messes with my stomach too. Which on a day where I am going to be in a wedding and outside and nowhere near civilization for awhile… sucks. And it did. I felt fluky all day, but was also hungry. I ended up grabbing a slice of pizza that the boys ordered, even though it was after the girl did my makeup.

I finally got my hair done, then the hairdresser said I looked like a movie star. Meh. I did look pretty good I guess. After prettying up and getting dressed, we did pictures all around the hotel, then piled into the limo to head to the ceremony. It was beautiful. My escort and I joked quietly about the strut walking, but decided we shouldn’t do it for the actual ceremony. Hearing my brother’s vows made me cry though. I had no idea he was capable of such strong emotion. Just… wow. The geekyness was definitely there too, because there were a lot of video game references and such. Very cool.

After looking around the entire ceremony, I got my phone from my father and found out that Irish had not made it. In fact, at the time of the ceremony’s start, he had given up trying to find the hotel to catch the shuttle and had gone back home to get better directions. I lost it. It was the most beautiful wedding ever, and I was all dolled up, and I really wanted him to see it, and I wanted to get pictures taken with him. And none of that got to happen. I texted him back, saying that it was over and that cocktail hour starts at 7, so be there. By the time we got back to the hotel and I had a glass of wine in my hand, I felt a bit better, even though I still had no confirmation of his status.

Around 7:15, he showed up. I took him around and introduced him to my family and friends. He hated it, of course. But the free beer and snacks seemed to placate him slightly. The loud music was really bugging him, which I had apparently tuned out, since I didn’t notice it til he mentioned it. Then when I told him it was time for dinner, but that he wouldn’t be sitting with me, he got huffy again. There was nothing I could do about that though. There wasn’t enough space at the bridesmaid table for him to eat there, but he did get seated with my cousins, who he had just met and with whom he had sorta hit it off.

We lined up in our bridal party order and made our entrance. My escort and I once again strutting and being silly, this time while carrying champagne. Delicious. The happy couple did their first dance to Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars”, which coincidentally we had heard at breakfast that morning. It was beautiful. Then we headed upstairs for dinner, which for me consisted of caesar salad, filet mignon and scallops,  and more champagne. The filet was tiny as hell and I knew that Irish was going to end up complaining about it later, since I signed him up for that too. Which he did. The scallops were odd tasting, so I didn’t bother to finish them. I went straight to mingling and getting more booze.

When I walked over to the table with Irish and my cousins, the first thing my aunt said to me was something about asparagus pee. We had watched an episode of Good Eats where Alton Brown was talking about it, and apparently Irish had decided to talk to them about it. So weird. Within the next few minutes, my cousin had coerced me into drinking a cable car, some sort of orangey martini, and turned into a huge enabler, telling me to drink more, though I clearly didn’t need it.

The father/daughter and mother/son dances started, so we watched them from the balcony. I was recording them, but apparently my phone’s memory was full and it didn’t save the longer of the two recordings, which sucks. Especially since there wasn’t a videographer at the wedding, just photographers. Hopefully they got some good shots though.

Then came the dancing. I actually got Irish to dance with me. I was very surprised and honestly, after the stunt he pulled by not showing up to the ceremony, he owed me. Plus, I had already forcefully requested that he dance with me at some point in the night. We did some fast dances, rocking out and being silly, then took a break for awhile, grabbed another drink and chilled on the couch a bit. I got up a few times to mingle and dance randomly, but Irish just stayed on the couch. At the end of the night, I finally grabbed him and got him to dance again, then a slower song came on, although it was “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. We did the classic middle/high schooler arms-around-the-neck, swaying dancing. He was trying to move his feet to dance us around in a circle, but I was entirely too drunk at that point to be able to maneuver that and told him to just stand and move. I vaguely remember assaulting him on the dance floor with makeouts. In front of my parents. Ugh. But thankfully my mother has no recollection of it, or just didn’t mention it if she did.

Irish and I ran up to my parents’ hotel room real quick and I got changed and grabbed my stuff to go back home, leaving my parents to have the room to themselves and that way I’d be there to wake Irish on time in the morning. We wandered back downstairs and said our goodbyes to those who remained, saying we’d see them at brunch. I also vaguely remember a conversation with Irish that was basically “Am I coming home with you or staying here?” and after getting no real response, saying bluntly, “Will I be getting sex tonight if I come home with you?” Even though the answer was “no” because he was too tired, I still wanted cuddles. Not that I got them. *harumph*

Monday – Brunch:
Woke up roughly on time and got myself ready before hauling him out of bed to do the same. We were at brunch by 1030, so only an hour late, and there was still plenty of food. Bacon, sausage, french toast, eggs, potatoes, fruit, juice, and coffee. Om nom. Worth the drive just for a free meal in my opinion.

We said our goodbyes and congratulations again, then came back home to nap, since we were both exhausted from the weekend and the early mornings. We didn’t end up doing a whole lot the rest of the day besides being lazy, but that’s what holidays are for.

It was a good weekend and I’m so happy for my brother and my new sister. Also, the date, 10-10-10 was perfect for the wedding. He should never forget the anniversary and it is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Plus, if he does forget, the next day, 10-11, is National Butt-kicking Day, so she’s got that to look forward to. Heh.

Well, this post took entirely too long to write over the course of a few days, but i’m finally heading to bed for the night. I’ll post more about my recent exploits tomorrow or Saturday.


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Grapple took me to Mongolian Grill today for lunch. Well, a late lunch. 2 o’clock really. But that was my bad, not his. He said he’d come pick me up at 2, but then showed up at 1:20 when I hadn’t gotten showered and ready yet. He called me lazy, but I had been doing chores and such all morning and was just about to jump in the shower when he showed up. Anyway, so we get there and realize their lunch stops at 230. We ended up not leaving til about 330 and they didn’t care. So I think I just found my new favorite place. And it’s only $10 for all you can eat lunch.

I had a really great time and it was great to catch up with Grapple after so long. Sure, we went to Rennfest together and hung out all day then, but we couldn’t talk freely about things. It’s always nice to talk to him because he listens to what I have to say and actually cares about me, which is more than I can say for some people I try to talk to. Sigh.

We hung out a bit longer and talked some more. But it was kinda sad how good it felt when he randomly reached over and hugged me at a red light. It just felt so warm and so much stress just started melting away from me, softening my shoulders and my heart. It was almost overwhelming. It made me realize how much I’ve been missing in my daily life. While Irish is getting better with the showing of affection, it’s not yet nearly enough to meet my needs. I keep forgetting that.

After he brought me home, we talked for awhile and I made him listen to Voltaire, since he had never heard it before. It was really great to just chill on the couch comfortably with someone who genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. And who isn’t afraid to hug on me and stuff, knowing that it’s totally cool by me for him to do that. I’m a very friendly person and also a very physical person. I get the most satisfaction, emotion, and intimacy from physical closeness. Even with people that are just friends. I’m not afraid to admit that I love to cuddle. I love hugs and snuggles and being intertwined and just hanging all over each other for the hell of it. It’s because of this concept that Grapple and I have discussed how he is a better boyfriend, without being a boyfriend. He’s just that awesome of a friend. He and I operate under the same principle: give all you can. And that stays true no matter if the other is giving back an equal amount or zero. We both keep ending up with situations where we’re not receiving nearly enough in return to satisfy our wants and needs. Fittingly, we seem to have gravitated to each other to fulfill at least the hugging quotient that we both have.

Small amount of irony, when Irish got home I was doing dishes and when I finished up he walked by me and stopped, his face really close to mine, then leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. It was adorable and great. Don’t get me wrong, the huggings with Grapple were awesome and very much needed, but there was something missing that I couldn’t put my finger on. Apparently that was the intimacy bit I needed. Whether that’s because it was a kiss, or it was cute, or because it came from the boyfriend, I’m not sure. Regardless, it was nice.

So the reason I actually got to write a nice long post this time is because I’m actually using my laptop. It still sucks and I have the power cord taped to it just so it won’t come unplugged and die, but it’s still a full keyboard and not my iphone. Also, the boys played poker tonight and are finishing up now. Gunnie, Curly, Musicman, and AngryGinger came this time. It’s now down to Irish and AngryGinger. There’s talk of doing some Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock after this which I have mixed feelings about now. It’s getting kinda late and I’m tired. Wow, I feel old. Maybe I will play some GH then, just to spite myself. Heh. And now I’m having a conversation with myself, about myself, and about what I’m going to do in like 10 minutes, merely because I don’t want to do it. Ugh, that was a really confusing sentence to type. I don’t know if you, the Reader, caught any of that, but if you did, kudos to you and welcome to madness. Ahahahahahaaa! *maniacal hand gestures*. Um…ahem. Anyway…. I’m just waiting for the poker game to end.

Also, I know that Grapple reads this blog but I don’t know if he’s the only one so far. I had 8 page views yesterday and no comments were left so I have no idea. So basically, feel free to leave comments, I’d love to hear what you think. Though this is my ranting outlet, so I know most of the posting is negative in connotation, I hope to eventually be posting happier things.

“Yay we’re finally done, thank Christ!” – AngryGinger just now


So Irish’s grandmother died recently and we’re currently at his parents’ house with them trying to book their flights. It’s a pain in the ass. I mean, I guess I’d be more accommodating if I were coming with him, but he doesn’t want me to come. And every time I try to say anything at all he just glares at me or puts me down. In front of his fricking parents. I actually had to stifle a cry once already. Oh wait, now we’re leaving abruptly and I’m getting muscled out of here. Bah.

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I want to write more, but not right now. For the time being, I just have to get this out. Thanks to Holly. Again.

“…parking cars is apparently a very masculine occupation. God knows I couldn’t do it; my vagina would get caught on the stick shift and I’d menstruate everywhere and then I’d probably start crying.”

Read the whole post here: http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2007/12/everything-you-always-wanted-to-know.html

Hehehehehe…. I can’t stop giggling every time I read that excerpt.


So this past weekend was the bachelorette party for my soon to be sister-in-law. She’s marrying my brother. That’s kinda how these things work. They’ve been dating for 9 years and are finally getting married. I’m very supportive of their relationship and she is a really cool chick. I’m proud of my geeky older brother. I just hope that someday I can be as happy as they are together.

With regard to the weekend with the girls, we’re apparently not allowed to talk about it. What happens in Ocean City stays in Ocean City. Meh. Let’s just say it was a lot of fun, there was a lot of booze, and a bit of bonding by all us girls.


“In sex ed, they told us that sex could lead to herpes, AIDS, babies,low self-esteem… but they didn’t mention backrubs.”
“Oh yes. Sometimes there are backrubs.”
“They should mention that in class. Teach the controversy.”
~ The Pervocracy

I agree with this so much. Too bad it never applies to me. With or without the sex. Sigh.


I know I haven’t posted in awhile but things have been a bit nuts. And I keep wanting to make this blog more and more public. At least in the respect of sharing more than just general rants. I want to write about the dirty, gritty stuff I think about or do. I wanna share everything about myself. I figure if I can’t do it with the man I love, I need to get it all out somehow. I don’t have a single person who I can share everything with. That should be Irish, I know, but he doesn’t want to talk about the stuff I need to share. Gah.


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We went to Rennfest today and I walked my feet off. I couldn’t find my newer hooker boots so I had to wear my old ones, which I replaced because they were painful to wear. So yeah, about 2 hours into the day I was in pain. The next 5 hours were just salt in the wound. Don’t get me wrong, the faire was fun but I just wish I hadn’t been dragging everyone down with my slowness of walking.

I feel bad about it, but it’s not like any of them cared about my pain nor were any sort of sympathetic. I would hope that my boyfriend would see that I was in pain and needed a little sympathy and caring. But no. Nothing. He just joined in on the insults and the being annoyed at me. The only person who gave a shit about me all day was Grapple, and he was a last minute random addition to our group who also ended up driving us to the faire. Since he actually cared, he hung back with me when I couldn’t catch up to the pack. He also helped me hobble around by being my crutch and catching me every time I was off balance. It was very sweet of him.

I just wish that Irish was that attentive. I mean, I really should be used to being ignored by now. He always does it. And so do Tinyfists and AngryGinger. Why do I have friends like this? My 2 best friends and my boyfriend, who I broke up a 2 year relationship to be with, don’t give a shit about me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I apparently have crap taste in friends. And I didn’t realize it until recently.

My friends that I go with to karaoke and everyone else from my hometown area are always so nice. I mean, we joke and poke fun, but it’s in good fun. And well natured. The people that I meet and make new friends with are the same way. So how is it that I ended up with 3 of the closest people to me being complete jackholes to me all the time? Guh.

But now I’m sore, my feet are useless and I feel like shit in general. I’m exhausted and no one cares. Oh and I have one picture of me from today, it was taken by Tinyfists and it’s still on her camera. She didn’t want to take more. So much for preserving memories and shit like that. Oh well. What else is new?

/rant in Eeyore style

Blar. With a big ol’ capital B.

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So Complicated

I finally went and picked up my bridesmaid dress yesterday. Thankfully there are very minimum alterations to be made. Don’t know where to take it for that, but I’ll figure it out. After picking it up, I took it over to my mom’s house for safekeeping, knowing it wouldn’t exactly be safe at our place. After killing way too much time at Mom’s and an unsuccessful search for my leather boots, I went to have my weekly chat with Blondie.

Luckily the kids were asleep when I got there, so we had a little peace and quiet for awhile. We started talking about our lives and as always, she asked how it’s going with Irish. The answer, in short, was that things are getting better. She is mostly concerned that I’m not being treated in the right way, or in the way I deserve. I had expressed to her before my need for affection and my distinct lack of receiving said affection, despite giving plenty. I’ve been trying to get him to open up to me, but it’s ridiculously difficult. My first thought is that some girl he dated in the past hurt him so badly that he’s shut himself off to everything. That wouldn’t be my fault, so that’s the good part. The other thought I keep having is that maybe he just doesn’t feel that way about me. I hate to think that. And I’m fairly certain it’s untrue. I mean, why let me be here so much if you don’t want me around? I understand that guys feel emotions differently than girls, but I also know that they’re capable of affection. There have been guys that I couldn’t keep off me because all they wanted to do was hold me or hug me or snuggle. Don’t get me wrong, I like that, but sometimes it becomes just too much. But I’m not asking for that. Things have been improving and I’m very glad and every time he does something sweet or affectionate, I get all warm and fuzzy. It’s great. And after talking to him about these things despite his avoidance of the topic, it seems he’s finally getting it. For example, he took my hand and held it while walking the mall last time we were there. Usually I have to initiate that. And he’s finally calling me ‘hon’ or ‘honey’ like I’ve been trying to get him to do for awhile. Granted it’s happened maybe twice, but thats better than nothing. I almost insist on not using his actual name, but calling him by affectionate pet names and such. It’s just something I do. Not sure why. I guess it’s kinda my way to express to someone how much I care about them, without outright saying ‘love’. And that works for me. I mean, I’m not nearly as closed up about feelings as he is, but I also don’t wanna go throwing around the L word. Although I have said it a few times to Irish, at first because I thought he wasn’t saying it since I hadn’t said it, but then because I just had no other word strong enough to express my emotions toward him. But I’m not asking for him to say it back. At least, not until he’s ready to. I’m just asking for simple affection. Nightly snuggles, hugs, random kisses (whether it be on the lips, cheek, forehead, hand, or whatever), calling me cute little names like ‘hon’ and ‘sweetheart’, randomly holding my hand, or even just little touches of reassurance like putting his hand on the small of my back or giving little backrubs like I do for him, or even a regular backrub for once would be awesome. Heaven knows that’s never happened. The reason I do most of the things I do is because I like them done back to me. I’ve always operated under the clause of “show me what you like and I’ll do that” but it seems to not be a universal understanding. I just don’t get it.

I give so much and don’t ask for much in return, so why is it so hard to get back one little morsel of the affection I give? I always put 100% of myself into something I like, but when I’m getting less than that much back, I’m always losing myself. I’d be ecstatic to get 50% of him, let alone all of him. But I want something. Just something. 20%, 10%, even 5% would be something. I mean, the way I see my life is “me against the world” and I want my relationships to help that so that it’s “you and me against the world” (very Scott Pilgrim I know). And if we both connect to each other completely, we can be an unstoppable force against anything. But if the relationship is weak or incomplete, then we’ll crumble. So why can’t he get that? Why won’t he a least try to be loving or caring? I understand he’s a manly man and manly men don’t show feelings and all that shit, but that’s dumb. You’re allowed to show a different part of yourself to your significant other. One that maybe no one else gets to see, but you still show it. Is that too much to ask?

Why are men so complicated? Guh. And they think we’re the complicated ones. Hah! Lies and slander.

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