You are currently browsing the yearly archive for 2015.

Unicorn Hunting

unicornDating is hard, y’all. And online dating isn’t much better either. I’m on several sites and apps now, and I still can’t find the perfect guy. And if I do find a great guy, there’s always one factor that is practically a deal-breaker. But I’m trying to keep an open mind. Plus, most of them want kids, and I really can’t do that. I know what I posted a few months ago was the opposite of that, but I had wanted them with Jace, and now I don’t want them anymore. Not after that heartbreak. I figure, I’d rather regret not having them in 10 years and adopt one, than regret having them and resent them for their whole lives. I feel that’s fair.

With online dating, you usually get to read a profile on the person and see if you have things in common. You don’t have to base it solely on physical looks. Yet, it happens all the time. People won’t even respond to a message from someone they don’t think is super über hot. A simple, “I’m not interested, but thank you.” would suffice. But no, people just don’t care enough about others to do that. I’m guilty of it myself, but recently, I’ve been trying to change that. And I’m giving guys a chance who aren’t perfect, or ones who I’m not immediately attracted to. I know no one is perfect, but there are some things that I just don’t want to have in my life ever again. And there are certain things that I’m making requirements. Because I’m tired of settling.

I’m not a bag of chips, and I shouldn’t settle. I need to find someone who will actually tolerate me for longer than a few months, so they can see how awesome I am. Someone who meets my requirements and who doesn’t make me compromise too much on my desires. Someone who will love me for me. And someone whom I love without him having to change. Looking for a unicorn here, people. Anyone seen one?

Tags: , , ,

Everything has changed. Jace broke up with me, Babylon moved out, Lila moved in, and I got a new job. I also went through a month-long relationship that ended abruptly last night.

I don’t even know my own life anymore. Everything is different than it was just a few months ago. I have gained a bunch of new friends but some are slowly fading out of my life already. It seems like I barely see my old friends and that they’re pulling away too. I don’t get to ever have my whole life in order. My work life and living situation got better, but now my personal life has gone to shit. And right before the holidays, when it’s hardest for me to function happily.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for the things I have right now. I have a great new job and a good working environment. I have a wonderful new roommate to hang out with in our awesome apartment. And Thomas is finally doing better and not getting sick every day anymore.

But the rest of everything sucks and is kinda unstable at the best of times. I was finally doing a little better and I was less depressed than normal for this time of year. But that all went to shit last night. And now I’m back to being a bitter, lonely, depressed thing.

I need hugs…


Tags: , , , , , , , ,


What do you do when you start questioning a choice you thought was already made?

Specifically, I thought I didn’t want kids. For six years I’ve thought this. Then something forced me to actually consider it. And now I don’t know what to choose. I thought I had made up my mind so long ago. But now I’m thinking… It’d be nice to have one.

I thought I couldn’t afford a child. Or support one. I never thought I’d find someone who would actually be a good father.

And then I did.

And it’s made me reconsider everything I’ve thought about children for the last six years. Teaching the students at camp makes me question it a little every year too. Also, while reading Jenny Lawson’s book, I couldn’t help but tear up when she was talking about all her problems when trying to have Hailey. Holding my nephew, Theo, has also put a twang of want into my heart. I always wanted to be “Cool Aunt Jenn”. But now… I kinda want to be “Mom”.

Everything in my life seems to be pointing me to a new direction now. One where I can see a future. One that is past getting married and being childless all my life. One where I see someone I’ve raised turn into an adult. A direction that I’ve never explored, because I’ve been scared. Scared to be responsible for a human life. Scared to commit to something so permanent. But also, scared that I can’t even do any of that. Knowing my family history, I’m not sure if I can have kids, at least not easily. And the thought of letting a husband down like that… is almost overwhelming.

I guess though, if I have a husband who actually loves me, then he won’t hate me for not being able to give him kids. And there’s always the option of adoption, but that’s another big choice and a whole other can of worms.

Having children is a choice I thought I had already made, and to the negative side. But now… I feel like that choice has become more fluid. If I get into a situation where I could have a kid and raise it properly… then I would like to do that. But if I never get into that place, that’s okay too.

Adulting is hard, guys.

Tags: , , ,

I’ve been reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (a.k.a. The Bloggess) and it is amazeballs.

Every time I sit down to read it, I find myself laughing within minutes, maybe even seconds. It’s a very fun book and hilarious, but not for the innocent-minded. It’s definitely a book for adults and only those adults that have good senses of humor, for rude things. Don’t get me wrong, the book isn’t really rude, it’s just hilarious. But there are words in it that you don’t want your children repeating. (Ostensibly.)

I’m about 70% done the book so far, and I should have finished months ago when I first got it, but I’ve been busy… and lazy… and I fall asleep easily when reading. Insert various excuses here. However, I have read about 50% of it in the past 2 weeks.

I particularly enjoy reading it in a doctor’s waiting room. Because I will start snickering and then bust out laughing and everyone looks at me like I’ve grown an extra head or three. Actually that’s not such a great thing, especially for my own social anxiety, but I feel it brightens up an otherwise dull and boring place the no one ever wants to be anyway. I mean, some days it’s like waiting at the DMV. And then they skip you. And you get furious. So you tell them of their mistake and they add you back into the queue. AT THE END. I mean seriously. What. The. Absolute. Fuck.

It happened.

Anyway though, it’s a great book and absolutely fantastic. I wish I had so much to talk about in my life that I could write a book about it. Or even maintain this blog on a regular basis. But whenever I come across something interesting or funny, I usually forget to write about it or when I go to write something, my brain just blanks.

It’s super fun, y’all. 

If you like hilarious things that will make you giggle and squeak and make other uncontrollable laughing noises, you should totally pick up Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. She even wrote a second book which is coming out soon (September 22nd, actually) and it’s called Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things. Preorder that shit. Seriously. I did and I’m a cool kid now, right guys? Right? Guys? Guys…


Tags: , ,

Barriers have been broken. Walls, torn down. The scariest part of a new relationship (for me) has been overcome. I met Jace’s parents. And he met mine. And both events went well. I was nervous for both; he was nervous to meet mine, but it all worked out nicely. His parents are super nice and seem to like me already. My parents seemed to get along with Jace fairly well and I’m sure I’ll hear more about their opinions in a few days when I go visit them again.

It was a bit awkward when he met them though. It was at a crab feast, so he also was meeting my neighbors and their friends and such. Most of whom I didn’t even know. But I think it went well and they all seemed to like Jace. Time will tell though. As with anything.

I met Jace’s parents a few weeks ago at a welcome party for his new nephew, Gavin. He’s pretty cute, but I think Theo is cuter. Heh. Maybe it’s Auntie Bias though. 🙂  But at this event I met most of his family, including extended family and such. It was a little overwhelming and I was super nervous, but I survived it and they all seemed to like me.

The next obstacle is for him to meet TinyFists when we go to RennFest. He already met Grimm at the Labor Day BBQ, but TinyFists is harder to read and harder to impress. So we’ll see what happens there. After that will be the Halloween party where he will meet a lot more of my friends, while in costume.

I’m glad this is going so well so far though. I hope the relationship with Jace stays like this or gets even better as time goes on. It would be nice to finally have a relationship that grows and evolves as time passes. Instead of just fizzling out and becoming monotonous and empty and just plain awful… Like so many of my previous ones…

But again, only time will tell. So, fingers crossed.

Tags: , ,

Early to Rise

I’ve been up since 5am. I was at work from 6 to 3 then worked more at home tonight. I ran errands, did dishes, cooked dinner, did more dishes, cleaned up the kitchen and watched some ponies while eating meatloaf.

I’ve had a really productive day full of work and housework.


Probably because of the coffee I had at 9am.

Yeah, coffee lasts for about 10-12 hours in my system and keeps me awake all night if I have it after like 3pm.

I’m trying to stay awake so I can actually talk to Jace tonight. He’s at a work thing and still hasn’t left to go home. I just want to talk to him before the coffee wears off completely and I pass out in bed, or on the couch.

The last few weeks have sped by, and they’ve been the happiest I’ve had in ages. I’m happier than I thought I could ever be, really. Consistently. Every day I talk to Jace and it puts a smile on my face. Occasionally chatting with him helps me get through the day. The prospect of seeing him after work is what drives me and then actually seeing him makes my day complete. I’m ridiculously happy with him and he makes me laugh more than anyone ever. I really hope this happiness lasts… I have a really good feeling about this one though.

Fingers crossed. 🙂

Tags: , , ,

Time for another recap of life stuffs. My nephew was born earlier than expected, on July 2 actually. My brother and his wife named him Theo Jay. I’m calling him TJ because it’s adorable. I’ve been visiting occasionally and spoiling him with various presents. He’s so cute.

In less happy news, Babylon and I broke up recently and it’s been just awful. There’s been a lot of yelling and horribleness. We moved his furniture into the second bedroom yesterday. I still need to reinstall all my computer equipment and plug everything in properly. And I need to move all the pictures I had so meticulously hung a few months ago. Sigh.

The only reason I’m making it through all this is because of my friends being supportive of me. Especially my newest friend, Jace. I’ve been mostly staying at his place ever since the break up, just to stay out of the apartment and wait for things to get a little smoother. It’s been helping me deal with all of it a bit better, but I know I can’t avoid Babylon forever. It’s just a matter of time until he yells at me again and hurts me even more with his words…

Babylon’s probably going to finish this lease year and then move out. I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I love the apartment so much, but I just can’t afford it by myself.

Why does my life have to be so messy… I need so many hugs right now…

Tags: , , , ,

So it’s been awhile since I posted anything at all. I suppose I should recap the last 8 months…

I stopped Nutrisystem because it was actually making me sick. I had lost about 19 pounds total on the program. I have since gained most of it back. I had hoped that eating healthier and more homemade stuff would keep the weight off, but alas and alack.

In March, Babylon and I moved in together. It may seem a little fast but we’ve known each other for 5 years now so there weren’t many surprises. We got a brand new 2 bedroom apartment and it’s fantastic. It’s not on the ground floor, so there’s fewer bugs that wander inside, and there are zero children running up to the patio, as it’s a balcony and it backs to a bunch of trees. It’s also controlled access for the most part, so I don’t get as many random unwanted visitors at the door.

I’ve been making about 80% of the meals we eat every week. Some are from scratch, some are semi-homemade, but it’s all been delicious. GatheredTable has been really great with helping that too. They send me new recipes and meal ideas all the time and it’s been pretty inspiring.

Oh and in a few weeks, late July, I’ll officially be an aunt to a lovely little nephew. My brother and his wife haven’t announced the name yet, but I’m so excited. I’ve been buying everything I see that has foxes on it, not only because the nursery is orange, but also because foxes are awesome. At the baby shower, I gave them a box, with many foxes, and some baby socks. Also, Dr. Seuss books, including Green Eggs and Ham and Fox in Socks. 

Babylon and my anniversary is the 4th and my birthday is next week. I bought myself a new 1TB Xbox One with a bunch of games as an early birthday present. I’ve been mostly playing Neverwinter though. I’m already level 55. Out of 60. And I’ve put way too much money into it, considering it’s a free to play game. But it’s awesome.

I’ve been working on the Carbon Saw stuff recently and I think I’m going to launch a new Indiegogo campaign soon for the new Dr. Voodoo game. Through the awesomeness of Udemy,  I’m trying to learn Swift and also WordPress coding to be able to create the game and make the site better. Carbon Saw is also officially an LLC now. It feels awesome to finally be doing something with my ideas.

I’ve been working freelance recently with a woman who is trying to preserve her family history into a book. It’s a pretty fun project and it’s helping me pay my bills so that’s always good.

I’m still doing tutoring on Saturdays too. It’s been more scarce because of the school year ending, but I’m supposed to see my student this Saturday. Hoping that actually happens.

This week, I’m at camp teaching animation to young children. We’re doing hand drawn on paper and stop motion with cameras and maybe some computer animation later with Scratch. It’s been fun but exhausting. And some of the kids are trouble, but most are pretty good. A few are really good at drawing and are picking up on the basic principles of animation pretty well. So that’s cool.

Well, it’s time for me to take the kids outside for a bit. Most are at the pool today, but a couple stayed behind with me to do more work and have fun with animation stuffs. I made a little video today for stop motion too. You can see it here. It’s a small tip of the hat to America for legalizing gay marriage and taking another step toward equality in this country. Go America!

Tags: , , , , ,