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We were eating lunch and I found where I left off on Holly’s Blog. The post contained this paragraph:

And yet I can’t help but feel unfulfilled being unfilled. Partly this is because of baggage: if a guy can’t get it up for intercourse that means I’m not sexy and if he refuses intercourse that means he doesn’t really like me. (Especially as popular wisdom holds that guys never refuse intercourse, therefore if it happens to me it must be really bad news.) Some of that’s probably true, too. Not “augh I’m a warthog,” but “I don’t have a close enough relationship with anyone for them to be fully sexually open to me” really is true, I think.

This is how I feel way too often. I mean, I know I’m not the prettiest princess and that I really need to lose a few pounds… or 20… but that doesn’t mean I’m not attractive. Plenty of guys let me know that I’m attractive. I get hit on or at least checked out, which actually feels nice, all things considered. But what feels the best is when close friends make it clear that I deserve so much, because they think I’m special and fantastic and attractive. Granted, most of them might just say those things because they want to steal me away from Irish or something. Who knows? I can only TRY to understand what others think.

I guess what I just don’t understand then is how my current situation happens. Holly’s post was talking about having a lot of everything-but sex which was leaving her feeling unfulfilled. I would love that to be my situation. At least it’s something. I just hate feeling like I’m not attractive because I’m not getting attention from the only one who actually matters.

And it’s not like we haven’t talked about it, either. Because we have. Ad nauseam. But I guess it just goes to show that what they say is true, you can’t change a man. But I keep trying regardless.

Maybe I’m being too needy or something again.

I’m gonna go catch up on some more Pervocracy, since Irish is playing Fallout. So much for hitting the gym together. Sigh.

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Gun Shopping

We went gun shopping with AngryGinger a few weeks ago and it has been cemented: if I buy a gun, I want a Sig Sauer Mosquito. Probably not the pink one anymore, but just the basic black. And I totally want a thigh holster for it like Jill Valentine from Resident Evil 5. Like this. Cuz next time I do that costume, I want it to be more authentic. And I’ve got a better blue shirt now since AngryGinger gave me this for Xmas. Even though it’s a men’s style, it still fits pretty well. So it’s cool.

And IrishBro gave Irish a tactical belt that I might be able to steal from him to use as well. A few weeks ago I looted a grenade holster pack from a friend as well as a bunch of Army BDUs and such. He was moving and just wanted to get rid of extra stuff. And I’m a geek for anything military so…. it worked. If Irish ever wears that stuff, so help me…. he’s gonna get jumped so hard. I really wish he still had his Marines stuff, cuz the Marines are the sexiest armed forces, in my opinion.

I’m gonna go fantasize about that for awhile now…. sigh…

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We saw Season of the Witch this weekend with BoobsMcGee and friends. It was alright. Tons creepier than I thought it was gonna be, and not really all that good. Nicholas Cage was playing a different kind of role at least, which was refreshing. I hadn’t heard all that much about it and didn’t really know what to expect. And the previews before it were all movies that looked very ‘meh’ and I had never heard of either. Very much a B-Movie experience. And considering I paid for both Irish’s ticket and my own, it was even worse.

But after the movie, the guys invited us to Serafino’s the next day to watch the Ravens game. I was totally excited to go and that we got invited. They’d apparently been doing it all season, and just never sent us an invite. Well, I didn’t get one at least. Most of the time, they’ll send something to Irish and just assume he’ll tell me about it. Well that doesn’t happen. And no one seems to retain that information when I enlighten them to it. Oh well…

We did end up going to Serafino’s though, and it was pretty cool. They had $1 sliders but they tasted burnt. Someone else got a different batch later and they were fine, but I still didn’t like them. They had mozzarella cheese on them and it wasn’t nearly as good as it sounds. At least the 22oz draft Yuengling was good. And we walked out only spending $12 total. Granted, I had made a decent breakfast that morning at 11ish of cinnamon rolls, eggs, and bacon, so we weren’t all that hungry. And we only stayed til halftime. He was tired and had a Spirit of the Century game to get to by 4. And since his car’s in the shop right now, that meant either I had to drive his ass there, or he had to get picked up by someone also going to game. The latter happened, thankfully.

While he was gone, I played some Fable 3 and got some of the last achievements I need to complete the game. There’s a glitch with the Popularity Contest one. You have to get 20 friends, but the counter goes down over time, as you apparently lose friends. Why you don’t get it automatically when you become king or queen, I don’t know. That would make too much sense I guess. Sigh. But I did finally get the King Henry cheevo: Get married 6 times as royalty and kill 2 of them. There are still a bunch online that I need to get, but that’ll happen all at once. It doesn’t work to just have Irish login and join my game, it has to be someone connected through Live. Which means I either do them with a random person, the rare actual friend who has Fable 3, or rent a second copy to play on a borrowed xbox after moving the saved game to the borrowed hard drive. So much crap.

Anyway though, I played that awhile until Irish came home and made bratwurst for dinner, which were pretty good. But then insisted on playing Borderlands with Guardian until midnight or so. I tried to work on actual work to get a start on the project due at noon today, but I got a few more pages into it, and just had to give up. I was too tired. And frustrated with my computer being lame.

I went to bed around 11pm and his game was keeping me awake, but I still tried to sleep. Then I finally drift off and he comes to bed, waking me up again. Then this morning was really hard. I felt crappy in general and was actually quite frustrated that the weekend was gone already. Without any good reason though, I was quietly sobbing, not crying really, but shaking and there were involuntary eeps and squeaks coming from me.

I guess Irish noticed because he pulled me out of the fetal position I had wrapped myself into, and held me close to him. A few more sobs escaped my lips, but I definitely felt a lot better and comforted by his embrace. Granted, it led to other things, but that helped relieve the stress inside me too. And it got me moving so I could eventually get up and get ready for work. Not that I wanted to leave his side then, but at least it got my mopeyness out of the way for the time being. And that’s all I needed right then.

Sometimes he gives me just what I need. Whether it’s what I think I need or want isn’t always true, but the fact that he can do that even sometimes, is pretty awesome.

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When we got home yesterday, Irish loaded up Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe that we bought. He played thorough the entire story mode on DC and wouldn’t let me play. After fighting with Gunnie a bunch over the project, he offered me the controller to hit things, but he was playing as Joker and I didn’t want to use him. I went away again and ended up talking to Gunnie some more. Finally yelled at him too. By the time I came back, he was playing as Superman and didn’t want to give it up. He was finally on the boss fight and couldn’t get through it. That’s when he actually let me try. I beat him in 2 tries. It was awesome. Irish made excuses that the computer made it easier since he died so many times. I then felt compelled to post it on Twitter and Facebook. Hah.

He started the MK story mode even after I had said I wanted to play something else. I wanted to play some Halo, but he said he hates it. I don’t get that.

But now I’m apparently the girl I always hated. AngryGinger wanted to come over for some co-op and Irish showed me the text. I said exactly how I felt, which was a mistake. So he told AG that I want a quiet night, blaming me for it not happening and AG responded with *whipcrack*. My retort was “Since when do you do what I ask? And when do I even ask you to do anything?” The look on his face was indescribable, then I had the idiocy to say “If anything, you have ME whipped. It’s kinda ridiculous. I’m a disgrace to girls everywhere”. I tried to laugh it off, but it didn’t really work. Oh GOD why did I ever start being blunt and honest with him?! I’m so fucked.

I went back into the office and kept working and when I came back out he asked if I wanted to watch Castle. Maybe I can still salvage this night. I hope. I said, “Sure, lemme just finish what I’m working on.” He kinda scoffed at me and I’m not entirely sure why. I just brushed it off and went back to work, finishing up as I had said.

I came back out and waited for him to stop playing MK, all the while attempting to apologize for being a bitch and that I really don’t wanna be that girl. But no matter what I said, he still seemed put off by the whole thing. We were gonna watch Castle, but then saw that Pandora was on, which he said he always wanted to see, but that I wouldn’t because it’s horror. I asked what it was about, saying that we could try, but if I get too freaked out then I know better or next time. He seemed to be getting a bit exasperated with me at this point. So I tried to make him understand that if he wants to watch it, then that’s fine. I just might have worse night terrors than usual. The movie was good, a little creepy but not too much. I figured it was alright and I’d be fine, so it’s all good.

We went to bed and I took my shirt off to put on lotion, but didn’t take anything else off. I walked back into the bedroom and he was already stripped down and getting snuggled in for reading and sleep. I went to my side of the bed and got undressed the rest of the way. As I was taking off my pants, I bent over in what I was hoping was a slightly sexy way. Then I heard “Woo!” and just laughed to myself. “What’s woo, the book or me?” “You.” “Oh well I’m glad I’m ‘woo.’ You’re always woo.” I then began to rub and stroke him as I usually do when I’m trying to get him into the mood or at least trying to get him to know that I am. After awhile, he told me that he didn’t want to do it tonight and that he was still not feeling that great since he’s detoxing from the sleeping pills. So I just cuddled up behind him while he continued reading.

I started babbling on about things again and being girly, saying that he should just ignore the things I’d said at lunch, because I was being girly and that I blame the impending biology for the over-emotional and horniness. I ended up saying something about it being frustrating not knowing and he patted my hand, basically the cue to shush. We both turned over and began falling asleep, and I just said “I figure one of these days you’ll tell me and then I can stop agonizing over it” “What?” “I said I figure one of these days you’ll tell me how you feel.” “I’m tired.” “I mean about me, but I’m not asking for anything right now, it’s late.” It was very awkward and silent for awhile until I finally got into a comfortable position to go to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had actually slept through the night. He woke me up at some point with a terror, but it wasn’t that bad. For some reason though, I kept trying to call him Bryan or Brad, then my night vision finally realized it was Irish. When we were waking up, I started lightly rubbing and touching him again, hoping to stat something in the morning like what happened the previous morning. No such luck, but when he finally did start reading, I cuddled up to him. Then when he was done and about to get up, he kissed me on the forehead. It was adorable.

We got up and had meatball subs for lunch and he did some dishes, laundry, and cleaned the coffee table. Now he’s playing MK vs DC some more. I think we’re gonna wash our cars today, but I’m not sure. It’s why I didn’t get a shower yet, so I hope he realizes that. Oh wait… he’s a guy, so I have no idea. Sigh… Oh well. If we do wash cars, it’ll be neat. If not, I have to get a shower anyway to go to Gunnie’s at some point today.

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Took me forever to finish that paper for Shakespeare, but dammit, it’s done. I ended up procrastinating until midnight when TinyFists sent me her paper and said that she grabbed some wine and it helped her. I figured it was worth a shot, so I did. In the next 4 hours I damn near finished the paper. I worked with Gunnie on it while I was writing it, so it actually took longer than it should’ve, but it’s alright cuz I ended up with a slightly better paper at the end of it.

Gunnie called me in the morning at around 10. I’d had 4 hours of sleep. We went over corrections. I went back to sleep. Then Beast called and I told him to meet me at noon at the library cuz that’s when I had to turn in my paper. I ended up getting no more sleep and wound up getting down to the library at about 12, but couldn’t find the room until about 12:10 or so. I turned in the paper and we were walking back down when I saw someone from my class who was also lost finding the room to which we were to take the papers. I guided her and then we left.

We walked back up the hill to Walker and I realized that we live right next to each other and yet went all the way to the library so he could give me the money he owed me for the IndieCade registration. We finally got to the top of the hill and he handed me the money, as I made a joke about it looking like a drug deal or something. He said that it would make it look even worse if I shoved the money in my bra or something. I was shocked enough at the fact that Beast said that, but even more at the idea of it. I said it’d be exhibitionism too because I’d have to either go up under my shirt, exposing myself, or reach down the neck hole, either way would look awkward and ridiculous. I put the money in my back pocket saying “I’ll just put it in my pants” and we just laughed over it. We said our goodbyes til Tuesday and I went inside.

The original idea was to go back to bed, but I realized I had to go to Gunnie’s soon enough and got a shower and messed with my computer for too long then ate my leftover Chop Suey. Went to Gunnie’s and didn’t really get anything done. Dan didn’t get the files to us that we needed and so we were SOL. I suggested we go to Starbucks and we ended up spending hours there talking about things. I mentioned that even though it may sound narcissistic, I think the world would be better off and there would be more happy people if more girls were like me. We laughed. We talked for awhile about my worries of Irish and his lack of affection showing. Also how I don’t know how he feels, but I know how I feel. I know it doesn’t matter really how he feels or if he’ll ever feel the same way. I just want to be with him for as long as I can. I know that much.

Later, Clancy came over and we played Ticket to Ride. I would’ve won because I had a natural 75 points before the route score. Clancy only had 49. But we both beat Gunnie. Foodie  showed up in the middle of the game and was talking to us. I once again opened my mouth entirely too freely around him. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me do that, but I just start spilling the most inappropriate stuff to him. We all talked for awhile as I was waiting for Irish to get home anyway since he had to stay late for work.

At some point I know I mentioned the 17 yr old engaged and preggers thing b/c Gunnie said ‘oops’ and I said “No oops. Never say oops. Oops is bad” He didn’t quite get it at first, but did eventually. I also made some sort of crack to Foodie and the guys when someone said something about “he’d get lost in the bush” and responded that “no he wouldn’t.” Foodie’s reaction was basically “well, damn” and the other two were kinda blown away in general and confused.

So after entirely too much talking on my part, I left for Irish’s and got there around 9. He was asleep. I curled up next to him and we napped together shortly. Then we watched Chuck and House with Jack and cokes. I was hoping he was going to get a bit drunk and want to fool around. I was wrong. We went to bed and I stopped reading early again. Then I started touching his stomach and back and kissing up and down his side since he had his back to me. After a long time, he finally said that he wasn’t in the mood and to try him in the morning. I was a bit annoyed because I was a bit frustrated already, but knew I couldn’t do anything about it and tried to go to sleep.

Sleep didn’t come. I tried. I ended up turning my light back on and reading for awhile until I finally felt I was a bit sleepy. He had fallen asleep about an hour or so before me at this point. I figured if nothing else, that’d help the morning thing. I always wake up before him and then can’t keep still or fall back asleep.

Throughout the night, we were both restless, him his usual self, and me too hopped up on caffeine to stay knocked out. A few times in the night, I tried to get curled up to him and failed miserably. It wasn’t until I stopped trying that he actually got close to me. At some point, he rolled over when I was on my side and pulled me to him, pulling himself closer as well. He wrapped his arms all the way around me and put his mouth on my neck and the back of my head and sighed. This warm feeling of just, pure awesome spread through my body. I could hardly believe he was doing it. I snuggled down and enjoyed the time being held by him, even if it was just in his sleep so it was his subconscious doing it. At least I know that his subconscious has feelings for me.

Every time we ended up apart after that, he still managed to move back to pull me in once more, getting into the same position each time. It was amazing and awesome. I felt loved for maybe the first time in this relationship. It just felt… wow. I hardly have to words.

After awhile, I tried doing some light grinding of my butt to his pelvis and stroked my leg up and down his in what I hoped was a sexual way. He shifted and moved against me a bit but nothing major. It took quite a few episodes of trying like that to finally get his attention. In fact, what finally did it was when I reached my leg back, rubbing against his, and then bent it so that it was behind him. It felt almost yoga-ish. He responded. He slid his hand down from its place under my head and slid it onto my leg, rubbing softly.

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I just lay on my stomach, pleased as anything. In the after glow, I said “Good morning. I like waking up like this.” He chuckled and we curled up together and went back to sleep for awhile.

After I got up to take a shower, I heard him get up too. Then there were noises in the kitchen and I was thinking about making egg sandwiches for breakfast. When I came out of the shower, he had made scrambled eggs with 2 forks so that I was clearly supposed to have some. It was very cool. Then we installed his new taillights and antenna and I helped, kinda.

We went out and ran some errands that he had to do, going to gamestop and such, then walked the mall awhile, hitting Borders and trying to catch AngryGinger at work at Apple, but that failed. I also had forgotten my wallet so I couldn’t buy anything I wanted anyway. We were leaving the mall and he asked if I was hungry, and I was, but I also knew I didn’t have any money, so I made it clear to him that we could go anywhere he wanted to and I can’t complain about it, since he’s definitely paying for it. I think the odd look he gave me and the general confusion meant that he had intended to pay regardless, and while I don’t know if that’s true, it’s a nice idea.

We decided on Ruby Tuesday and were going to get drinks, but then I realized I didn’t have my ID on me. Luckily the guy didn’t ask for it so he got a martini, medium dry, stirred, and I got a Ruby Relaxer. After waffling on what I wanted for actual food, I ended up getting BBQ chicken with broccoli and mashed potatoes. It was good. I then found out that he likes Tiramisu. I was almost speechless. I have never met anyone else that actually liked it. I told him this. We got one and split it. It was delicious.

We went to a car parts/accessories place and ArtPunk  finally called me back about Saturday night festivities. They were going to a show in Towson then the bar near it at midnight. I knew it didn’t sound that great and then adding the late night factor into it, I decided against it. Then told Irish about it. He was in agreement of the stupidity of the event for the 2 of us.

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He’s making burgers and just came in to tell me. I put an arm around him and was rubbing his side gently, then grabbed the loop on the side of his jeans and tugged him gently toward me. The angle that he was standing, I couldn’t get up high enough to kiss him, but then he leaned down a bit, so I hugged him, then pulled away, feeling a bit silly for hugging him randomly. Then I just tilted up to kiss him though, at which point he actually returned the kiss, opening his mouth a bit to slide his tongue between my lips (hehehe) and started kissing me in a much better way than what I had been expecting. I had a moment of “wow” and of breathlessness, where I had to realize that this was not the time nor the place to start getting randy.

With my head still spinning though, I asked smirking, “So how long do burgers take?” “about 5 minutes a side” “damn, alright” I had actually considered taking him right then. I’ve had a lot of those moments recently. I keep wanting to jump him randomly, and he keeps giving me reason to. I mean hell, I wanted to jump the table at Houlihans and rawr him right there. Gah. He is so delicious. And the burgers are ready. Woot!

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