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Time for the requisite checkin for another life event update. The house is great. We had a Halloween Housewarming party in October with a 1920s theme, which was amazing. Everyone had a great time and there was a fire pit and s’mores and Magic: The Gathering was played as well.

We’ve really made the house our own and it’s even decorated for Christmas. Lights, tree, front yard christmas fox – the works. Things are so great, in fact, we’re trying to get a second cat and we are now ENGAGED! Squee!!

Sam proposed last night when we exchanged one present each, since he finally wrapped all the presents he had bought for people. It was amazing and sweet and I love him so much. I’m kinda glad it wasn’t a big drawn out event of a proposal honestly. Plus, I’m not exactly a patient person. Heh.

We’re hoping to get married in the next few months legally, but then to have an actual ceremony and reception in October. We’re trying to keep it small and inexpensive. We’d rather have money to support the marriage and life in general, than spend a bunch on a wedding and stuff. Granted it’ll still probably be a few thousand dollars, but nothing crazy. Aiming for under $5k and under 40 guests.

I won’t be taking his last name though. I kinda think it’s an antiquated thing and only matters if you have kids. Which we won’t. So I’m preparing myself to be mistakenly given the wrong last name for the rest of my life. Heh. And I am totally okay with that. Because I’ll be married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. The love of my life and the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I am ecstatic and trying to contain it, but failing. 😛

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Homeward Bound

homeward bound

It’s been awhile since I last posted on here and a lot has been happening. I’ve also been pretty happy for the most part so that could be it. Heh. I’m still working as a Web Designer at the same company. It’s going pretty well. I finished their website in July and have been working on a new website for my friend Jenny’s boss recently. It’s been a fun project.

Things with Sam have been great. I’m feeling better every day just being with him. And we have so much fun and we’re almost always laughing about something. He makes me smile. And rarely makes me cry. It’s a nice change. I’m so happy to have him in my life and I never want to lose him. I don’t know if I could handle that.

But the good news is, I won’t be losing him anytime soon, and I know that because we are BUYING A HOUSE TOGETHER! It’s the cutest house too. It’s a pale yellow, like lemonade, and we’re going to paint the front door a deep red. I’m super excited about the whole thing. Two weeks from today, we’ll be getting the keys and starting a new journey together. I’m so glad to have reached this point in my life and that it’s happening before I turn 30. Heh.

Until we entered into this house adventure, Sam had to reassure me often that he wouldn’t be leaving me anytime soon, and now I am feeling much more secure about it. I’m so ecstatically happy to be getting a house and to be getting that house with the love of my life, the best man I know, my Sam. There are other Sams, but none like this and this one is mine. My Sam is best Sam and I love him with all of my heart.

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I has a job!!

I started work as a Web Designer at a company on Tuesday after the Memorial Day holiday and it’s been an interesting week. I’ve met a lot of new people and promptly forgotten most of their names. I was given a shiny new 27″ monitor and ordered a new Macbook Pro. I was given almost all the information I could have asked for to make the website happen. I got access to all the social media pages. And I’ve basically finished the redesign of the home page already. So things are going pretty great.

Also, life at home has been pretty awesome. When my roommate is actually home, we have neat conversations about stuff and watch Game of Thrones sometimes. When Sam and I hang out, I genuinely feel better about life and that because I have dealt with all the bad things in my life up to this point, I feel like it’s finally turning around. Sam and I built a PC for me this weekend too and I’ve been customizing it and playing some games on Steam. I’ve started dieting more and have lost about 4 pounds already. Thomas has been less of a dickish cat than he usually is, so that’s cool too.

So yeah, things are just coming up me right now. I’m hoping it lasts for awhile this time. Huzzah.

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I lost my job a little over a month ago. I’ve been on the hunt for a new one ever since but am still unemployed unfortunately. I’ve had a few bites here and there but nothing solid until recently. But I still haven’t heard back from the most recent interview so I’m worried I didn’t get it. Friends and family are telling me to stay positive so I’m trying. It’s just hard sometimes. 

Sam has been very supportive of me in this time and that has helped me immensely. He’s been supporting me emotionally and mentally. Along with providing many needed hugs over the past month. Sam really has kept me going during this time. 

I haven’t just been sitting around doing nothing though. After about a week of moping I hit the books hard. I’ve been trying to learn and train with web development stuffs. I’ve touched on Sass and JavaScript as well as training up a bit in Bootstrap, WordPress, HTML, and CSS. I figure the least I can do during my “downtime” is better myself. While I should also be eating better and going to the gym to exercise more, I find that learning is probably the better option. If I learn more then I might get a job faster. I hope. 

Fingers crossed that I’ll find something good soon…

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Dammit, Elsa

snow queen elsa

Winter is stupid. Ice and snow and cold and just awful. I fell on the ice outside my apartment on Monday and then stayed home from work. Then both yesterday and today, I slipped on ice outside of my work building. Didn’t fall, thankfully. But still. It’s crazy. We had like 60ºF temperatures through December, and now January and February have been just hell. Frozen hell.

Everything else has been going pretty well though. I need to get back to reading that book Sam gave me, as I’ve been ignoring it awhile. I got to a section that I felt I couldn’t use at the time, and instead of skipping it, I just kinda stopped. But I am in Part 2 of the book already, so that’s something. Speaking of Sam, we just celebrated our first Valentine’s Day this weekend. I gave him a stuffed Fluttershy, a digital card I made with Fluttershy on it, made him dinners all weekend (fried honey walnut shrimp and then shrimp scampi), and bought him some clockwork cufflinks on a whim when we went to Fire and Ice in the mall. He was very surprised. I was very sneaky about buying them and he had no idea. So ha! I win. 😛

Sam gave me a stuffed cat that had a “You’re Purrrrfect” heart on it, silver earrings with purple stones, and then bought me a stuffed fox from Ikea when we went there on Sunday. He also gave me a very nice card on Monday. 🙂

We also started playing Borderlands together this weekend, and now Sam is pretty hooked on it. So despite the wintry craziness we’ve been getting, things are going pretty well.

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Things are pretty great right now. I haven’t found a unicorn yet. But I have stopped looking for one because I now have a Sam.

Sam: noun – a nerdy, amazing, intelligent guy who is sweet and caring and makes me want to be a better me

I have one. And he is awesome. He’s fun and cute and enjoys spending time with me. It has been almost 2 months since I met him, but it feels like I have known him so much longer. We both know the other’s quirks and preferences for most things already. He has no problem with my OCD or ADD tendencies, as he has them himself. We get along great and I see him almost every day. He’s loyal and dedicated and pushes me to do better and be healthier. Sometimes he says something annoying, but I can never stay mad at him for long. Overall, it’s going really well, so much so that he’s meeting my parents on Saturday at the birthday celebration for my mom. It got pushed off this year because of the blizzard.

Sam has me reading this book called The Feeling Good Handbook. I just started it last night. It’s about cognitive behavior therapy and is supposed to help me change my thoughts to change how I look at my life to make me less stressed and depressed. So far I haven’t gotten into it much, maybe 12 pages or so. But there are little exercises and test-ish things that gauge your reactions to things and measure how you’re doing, I think. I got to the first exercise when Sam showed up last night, so I haven’t gotten to do it yet. But I will. He made me promise to at least give it a chance and read through the first 2 chapters, which is about 50 pages. And I can’t break the very first promise I’ve made to him. I just don’t know how long it’ll take me to get through 50 pages. My schedule has been crazy for awhile now.

I’ve started exercising again and trying to eat better. The eating is kind of getting away from me, but I’ve been working out about 2-3 days a week. I hope to increase that over time. I recently got a Kinect for my Xbox One, both Just Dance 2015 and 2016, downloaded Xbox Fitness for free, and Dance Central Spotlight came with the Kinect. So I’ve been using a variety of things to work out recently. I even did about 70 minutes on Saturday because I worked out before Girls’ Day started and then again with the girls, dancing and having a blast. I want to get to the point where I’m working out almost every day, even if it’s for 10 minutes sometimes. It’s still something.

For the past week or so, I’ve been thinking on the concept of owning a house in a year. With Sam and Lila, it would work. But we all decided it wasn’t the best move for financial reasons, and I’ve put the dream to rest for now. In a few years though, who knows? I’m not going to give up hope, but I will give in to living in the same apartment for a few years to save money. Lila is a pretty awesome roommate and person, so that’s going well. Sam even said he’d move into the apartment too, once we’ve been dating for a good amount of time, of course. That would help save even more money. And then we could save up the downpayment for an even better house than the one we were looking at.

Work is going great too. We launched the site mid-January and then last week I made it more compatible with mobile and kind of more web 2.0 styled. Feel free to go check it out and such. And if your company needs data storage solutions – whether that’s backup, private cloud, or a full storage solution – we can help you. 🙂


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Unicorn Hunting

unicornDating is hard, y’all. And online dating isn’t much better either. I’m on several sites and apps now, and I still can’t find the perfect guy. And if I do find a great guy, there’s always one factor that is practically a deal-breaker. But I’m trying to keep an open mind. Plus, most of them want kids, and I really can’t do that. I know what I posted a few months ago was the opposite of that, but I had wanted them with Jace, and now I don’t want them anymore. Not after that heartbreak. I figure, I’d rather regret not having them in 10 years and adopt one, than regret having them and resent them for their whole lives. I feel that’s fair.

With online dating, you usually get to read a profile on the person and see if you have things in common. You don’t have to base it solely on physical looks. Yet, it happens all the time. People won’t even respond to a message from someone they don’t think is super über hot. A simple, “I’m not interested, but thank you.” would suffice. But no, people just don’t care enough about others to do that. I’m guilty of it myself, but recently, I’ve been trying to change that. And I’m giving guys a chance who aren’t perfect, or ones who I’m not immediately attracted to. I know no one is perfect, but there are some things that I just don’t want to have in my life ever again. And there are certain things that I’m making requirements. Because I’m tired of settling.

I’m not a bag of chips, and I shouldn’t settle. I need to find someone who will actually tolerate me for longer than a few months, so they can see how awesome I am. Someone who meets my requirements and who doesn’t make me compromise too much on my desires. Someone who will love me for me. And someone whom I love without him having to change. Looking for a unicorn here, people. Anyone seen one?

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Everything has changed. Jace broke up with me, Babylon moved out, Lila moved in, and I got a new job. I also went through a month-long relationship that ended abruptly last night.

I don’t even know my own life anymore. Everything is different than it was just a few months ago. I have gained a bunch of new friends but some are slowly fading out of my life already. It seems like I barely see my old friends and that they’re pulling away too. I don’t get to ever have my whole life in order. My work life and living situation got better, but now my personal life has gone to shit. And right before the holidays, when it’s hardest for me to function happily.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for the things I have right now. I have a great new job and a good working environment. I have a wonderful new roommate to hang out with in our awesome apartment. And Thomas is finally doing better and not getting sick every day anymore.

But the rest of everything sucks and is kinda unstable at the best of times. I was finally doing a little better and I was less depressed than normal for this time of year. But that all went to shit last night. And now I’m back to being a bitter, lonely, depressed thing.

I need hugs…


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What do you do when you start questioning a choice you thought was already made?

Specifically, I thought I didn’t want kids. For six years I’ve thought this. Then something forced me to actually consider it. And now I don’t know what to choose. I thought I had made up my mind so long ago. But now I’m thinking… It’d be nice to have one.

I thought I couldn’t afford a child. Or support one. I never thought I’d find someone who would actually be a good father.

And then I did.

And it’s made me reconsider everything I’ve thought about children for the last six years. Teaching the students at camp makes me question it a little every year too. Also, while reading Jenny Lawson’s book, I couldn’t help but tear up when she was talking about all her problems when trying to have Hailey. Holding my nephew, Theo, has also put a twang of want into my heart. I always wanted to be “Cool Aunt Jenn”. But now… I kinda want to be “Mom”.

Everything in my life seems to be pointing me to a new direction now. One where I can see a future. One that is past getting married and being childless all my life. One where I see someone I’ve raised turn into an adult. A direction that I’ve never explored, because I’ve been scared. Scared to be responsible for a human life. Scared to commit to something so permanent. But also, scared that I can’t even do any of that. Knowing my family history, I’m not sure if I can have kids, at least not easily. And the thought of letting a husband down like that… is almost overwhelming.

I guess though, if I have a husband who actually loves me, then he won’t hate me for not being able to give him kids. And there’s always the option of adoption, but that’s another big choice and a whole other can of worms.

Having children is a choice I thought I had already made, and to the negative side. But now… I feel like that choice has become more fluid. If I get into a situation where I could have a kid and raise it properly… then I would like to do that. But if I never get into that place, that’s okay too.

Adulting is hard, guys.

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Barriers have been broken. Walls, torn down. The scariest part of a new relationship (for me) has been overcome. I met Jace’s parents. And he met mine. And both events went well. I was nervous for both; he was nervous to meet mine, but it all worked out nicely. His parents are super nice and seem to like me already. My parents seemed to get along with Jace fairly well and I’m sure I’ll hear more about their opinions in a few days when I go visit them again.

It was a bit awkward when he met them though. It was at a crab feast, so he also was meeting my neighbors and their friends and such. Most of whom I didn’t even know. But I think it went well and they all seemed to like Jace. Time will tell though. As with anything.

I met Jace’s parents a few weeks ago at a welcome party for his new nephew, Gavin. He’s pretty cute, but I think Theo is cuter. Heh. Maybe it’s Auntie Bias though. 🙂  But at this event I met most of his family, including extended family and such. It was a little overwhelming and I was super nervous, but I survived it and they all seemed to like me.

The next obstacle is for him to meet TinyFists when we go to RennFest. He already met Grimm at the Labor Day BBQ, but TinyFists is harder to read and harder to impress. So we’ll see what happens there. After that will be the Halloween party where he will meet a lot more of my friends, while in costume.

I’m glad this is going so well so far though. I hope the relationship with Jace stays like this or gets even better as time goes on. It would be nice to finally have a relationship that grows and evolves as time passes. Instead of just fizzling out and becoming monotonous and empty and just plain awful… Like so many of my previous ones…

But again, only time will tell. So, fingers crossed.

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