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Wednesday I was on diet until dinner, when I went to Houlihans with Wolfe.

Thursday I was on diet until I went to dinner with Babylon, also went to the dentist and got my first and hopefully only filling.

Friday I was on diet.

Saturday and Sunday I was off diet. Went to a nerdy burlesque show with Spike. Had a pretty good time. Ran a bunch of errands on Sunday.

Monday I was mostly on diet. Morning weigh-in showed 9.2 pounds lost. Whoohoo!

Tuesday I was mostly on diet.

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Wednesday I was on diet.

Thursday I was on diet and went to the gym.

Friday I was on diet until dinner, cuz it was Halloween. Went to Greene Turtle with Babylon, Lucky, and a guy from my work.

Saturday and Sunday I was off diet.

Monday I was mostly on diet and did a weigh in. 8.2 pounds lost.

Tuesday I was on diet until dinner. Got Sarku since I was near the mall for my allergy shots and I was so hungry. Hung out with Spike a little while he was on break.

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Foods I tried:
– chicken with baked beans: meh, very meh. The chicken was a very small thing.

Wednesday I was off diet and just blah in general.

Thursday I was on diet except for the free donuts at work. Went to pick up some packages from the parents.

Friday I was on diet and went to the gym with TinyFists. Then went to see Boxtrolls with Spike. It was awesome!

Saturday and Sunday I was off diet and hung out with Babylon.

Monday I was on diet until dinner. Got my car fixed and had dinner with my mom.

Tuesday I was on diet until dinner. I finally ordered my new dining room chairs too! I’m so excited! I’m ordering the table on Saturday.

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New foods I tried this week:
– coconut almond bar: melted in shipment, but tasty

Wednesday I was on diet and went to the gym. Also, hung out with Babylon.

Thursday I was on diet except for an amazing sandwich I made for dinner after late shift at work.

Friday I was on diet except for in the afternoon when I got a huge coffee from Starbucks to get me through a long late shift night at work. I was at work until 8pm. 12 hour day was long. Then I went up to Babylon’s house and we played video games and hung out.

Saturday I was off diet all day. Babylon and I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Then ran some errands and got food for grilling. I made the most amazing stuffing for some yellow and orange bell peppers. 10 oz of goat cheese, one can of corn, one can diced tomatoes, one small jar of artichokes. It. was. AMAZING!

Sunday I was off diet. I had breakfast with Babylon, went to visit my parents, had a late lunch with Spike, and then Spike and I hung out the rest of the evening. It was nice to see him again.

Monday I was on diet except for snack time at camp which was just cheese and crackers, so not even that bad, and sushi for dinner, which was a little worse. But I went to work at my real job after camp, so I kinda needed the dinner.

Tuesday I was on diet except for dinner.

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Friday’s coffee date fell through. Sadface. But the party I went to was fun regardless and I had a blast playing video games, hanging out, and grilling up some meats. Super glad I went. I got a little work done too.

Saturday’s menu included:
– cinnamon muffin
– tuna salad on a whole wheat roll
– fudge brownie
– chicken breast sandwich

The tuna was kinda tangy but tasty. And it all fit on the roll.

Fudge brownie was really dense but tasty.

Chicken was really small and had a lot of juice in the packet and fell apart when I took it out. But it didn’t taste bad.

Sunday’s menu included:
– blueberry waffles (off diet)
– chicken parm pasta
– mozzarella sticks (off diet)
– mushroom risotto
– nutrichocolates

The pasta was okay, but the sauce wasn’t very thick.

Risotto did not look appetizing but didn’t taste horrible. Not nearly as tasty as Spike’s risotto though.

Chocolates were melted into a blob. Do not order those when it’s warm. I will wait until Fall or Winter before I get those again, I guess. It’s a shame because the chocolate was tasty.

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I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I feel broken inside. Dead. Something snapped a few weeks ago and nothing has fixed it yet. I don’t know what to do about it.

I no longer have zest for life. No fervor. No passion. My hobbies don’t fulfill me the way they should. And my social engagements aren’t as happy and fulfilling as I would like them to be. Because I can’t feel anything positive. All I feel is pain. Anger. Irritation. Apathy. Depression.

I just want to curl up and cry most days now.

I’ve been emotionally distant from everyone, though trying to hide it. I’ve lost my love for everything – activities, things, people, …myself. It’s not fair to Spike. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to others who love me or are just starting to love me.

I need to find happiness. I need to rediscover myself and my love for life. I need another vacation. I need to figure this out.

I just want to love again.

But… How?

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So today marks officially one month. Spike came to my party on Saturday and it was kinda hard to be around him. I’m not sure how to function as just his friend. I’m working on moving on already but it’s slow going and emotionally taxing.

The guy I’ve been talking to, lets call him Badass, is still talking to me and definitely likes me. We finally met on Sunday and it went really well. We’re supposed to go to my hometown’s carnival on Thursday. So that should be pretty awesome. He even texted me after we parted ways with how much he liked me and how well he thought it went. Again, I’m unsure of how I feel about starting a new relationship just yet, but I know that it’s probably the best way to get over Spike.

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It’s been two weeks since Spike and I broke up. Things have been up and down since then, and it’s been a little rough. Like with many of my breakups, I wasn’t even sure at first how to continue with my life. I felt things would be so different without him around. And while they are different, they’re also not necessarily bad. And we’re trying to still be friends which is helpful. Though I do really miss him sometimes.

I’m working on just being me and enjoying life by myself and with friends. I find that I’m happiest when I’m with friends like TinyFists and Hiker. Whether we’re hiking or hot tubbing or just chilling and drinking wine or martinis. I’ve even been using iMoodJournal on my phone to track how I’m feeling. It’s been really helpful for tracking my moods and finding when I feel my best. It just happens that those times are when I’m being social and with friends.

In order to connect with new people and make new friends or relationship possibilities, I’ve joined OkCupid. I’ve been talking to a couple guys on there and have been weeding through what I want and don’t want. I found that you discover a lot about yourself when you have to fill out a profile for a dating site and have to shuffle through so many profiles of others, looking for all the traits you want in a significant other. While I’m not necessarily ready for a new relationship just yet, I’m not going to run away from something that seems like it could be promising for long-term. These things happen when you’re not particularly looking for them.

I’ve been emailing and texting with a guy fairly regularly for about a week, and it seems like it could be promising. So that’s a positive thing that’s been happening. He’s been encouraging me to do things for me and is helping me find the things that I actually like to do alone. He’s been helping me uncover the reasons for why I am the way I am and figuring out what needs to be fixed before being in a new relationship. If nothing else, he’s very flattering and makes me feel good about myself, making my self-esteem skyrocket, which is always a good thing for me and definitely something I need right now.

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Christmas this year will be very lean as far as presents go. I’ve realized that I can’t even spend money on my family or boyfriend this year because of my current financial situation. It’s unfortunate. So I’m trying to be creative with presents. Making things instead of buying. I hope they still mean a lot to the recipients and bring them just as much joy as an actual purchased gift. I can’t say any specifics on what I’m doing though, since Spike reads this blog, but I’m definitely putting the most effort of all into his presents. I’m almost done for him, but then I have to work on everyone else’s.

I can’t even afford to throw a Christmas party this year, which I really was hoping to do. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe I’ll do one in mid-January to bring in the new year and such.

The good news is that we’ve worked out the family stuff so that my family will have dinner on Sunday with Spike. Then on Christmas Eve, I’ll have a half day at work, then Spike and I will drive to PA to see his family. I’m really excited to see everyone and give presents to his niece and nephew. Then we’ll come back late Christmas day from PA after a lovely dinner with his parents.

Hoping it all goes smoothly…

Oh, and Spike swapped for the iPhone 5. I am happy.

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Phone vs. Phone


image from gadgetreview.com

Recently I’ve been having a war within myself about something that seems stupid and shallow from any outside viewpoint. It has no good reasoning and is absolutely preposterous, and yet I can’t change my viewpoint on it. It’s based on the iPhone versus the Samsung S3, or really any non-iPhone.

Basically, Spike has been wanting a new phone. Though really he just wants to be on Verizon instead of AT&T. But since he’s switching, he needs to trade in his iPhone 4S for something else. He doesn’t want the iPhone 5 so he’s going non-iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy S3. At first I was confused as to why he would make that choice. But after a lot of talking, it made a bit of sense. And he wanted to try something new. He’s totally entitled to that. Better a new phone than a new girlfriend, I suppose. Sigh.

Finally we talked details and I told him that objectively I agree with his reasoning to get the S3. I don’t like it. I’m totally unhappy about it. But it’s his decision and it’s his phone. And I’m not gonna be the girl that says “if you don’t do what I want, I’ll break up with you” because that’s just asinine.

So today he went and bought the S3. It marks the end of iMessaging with him, or potentially playing games together, and completely destroys any hope of FaceTiming each other to say goodnight or something. I don’t like texting with my phone when I’m at work and iMessage alleviated that problem. Since it is on my computer, I just type on my keyboard like normal and it doesn’t take as long. I know we can use Skype instead and that’s good, but it’s not as good. It also means that whenever I finally get my app done for iTunes, he won’t be able to play it on his phone. He’ll have to use his iPad at home. A small thing, but still.

I’m terrified that it’ll create a technological wedge in the relationship and eventually tear us apart. Not that the iPhone is the only thing holding us together, because I’ll love him regardless of his phone. I just worry about these things. Maybe it’s just me being paranoid, I don’t know. What I do know is that I was very upset and a bit shaky when he first told me in a serious way that he wanted to make the switch. I couldn’t control it.

One of my big things that I look for in a boyfriend is a love of Apple products, which includes using an iPhone. It’s weird. It’s shallow. It might be a little crazy. But I’ve never gotten along with people better than I do with iPhone people. My closest friends and coworkers use iPhones or at least Macs. He’ll still have an iPad and a MacBook Pro, but it’s not the same. I’m a techno-snob I guess. To me, dating a guy without an iPhone is like dating a guy who doesn’t eat chocolate. Or something. You get the point. I just know that I am automatically attracted to men that have iPhones. Or it certainly adds to any attraction that had been there in the first place. It’s one of the things that pulled me to Spike. He’s an Apple guy. He likes Apple products and uses them everyday. I absolutely loved that about him. I thought he was more of an Apple enthusiast than he actually is, but that’s okay. Fanaticism is not a requirement. Just knowing and admitting that Apple is better than Windows is good enough.

Anyway, he says he’ll try out the S3 for awhile and if he doesn’t like it, then maybe he’ll switch to an iPhone again. I don’t even know which way I want it to go.

Really, I just want him to be happy.

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