the past

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I’ve been reading a lot of the old posts of the Pervocracy (reading them in order, but I’m only on July 2008) over the last few days and realized how similar, yet different Holly and I really are. Ever since I started reading her blog, I’ve been saying how similar we are, but I’ve realized over the last few months of entries I’ve read that we are decently different too. I had never thought that her want to be dominated would ever bother me, considering I want the same thing, in a way and I also enjoy dominating, but sometimes she can take it a bit too far.

The main reason I say all this is that she fantasizes of being raped/beaten (it’s hard to explain here, but she means it in a controlled, someone-she-can-trust way, not the stranger-with-malicious-intent way). The problem I have with that is my personal past. I’ve been raped. Repeatedly. Mostly within a relationship that I was too weak to get myself out of until several months of this had happened, but luckily I eventually did get out of it. I can’t imagine fantasizing about being raped, considering I’ve already had it done for real. Holly does talk about rape a lot and that she doesn’t approve of it and she touches on all the feminist issues surrounding it, but still. Meh.

Anyway though, besides that bit, Holly and I still have plenty in common when it comes to tastes in men and our activities with them. Meeting her in real life would be pretty cool actually, but I’m not hitting Seattle anytime soon.

Side note: It’s really hard to write a blog while watching How I Met Your Mother on the DVR. Commercials must be skipped on principle!

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I realize that I haven’t written anything for awhile and I feel just awful about that. I was doing so well, hitting 10,000 words in only 2 weeks. Ah, well… such is life. Everytime I try to commit to writing with any sort of frequency I end up failing at it. Many things have actually been happening in the past few weeks which is why I haven’t had time to write(or at least that’s what I’m telling myself).

16th Washed/waxed cars with Irish
This was really fun, even if I did take a lot longer to do it than he did. I learned the purpose of the Mr. Miyagi wax on/wax off thing. It hurt after awhile, but was so worth it. I took a bunch of pictures with my phone and posted them on Facebook because I was so proud. It was a very bonding experience with my car and with Chris.

18th Senior Exhibition

19th Went for a run around campus
19th Duclaw
20th Helped Irish upgrade his car intake

Moved back home
By now I’ve gotten most of my stuff setup for living at my parents, but I’ve made it very clear to my parents that I’m only going to actually be at their house for a day or two each week, while the rest of my time will be spent at Irish’s house. I’m slowly organizing everything and going through my backlog of stuff from my whole life. I’m trying to cut ties to material things and get rid of the things I don’t need, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be. So many memories, so much attachment, and so much wasted money.

22nd Mini-Graduation party

23rd Pre-Graduation Dinner
We went to Longhorn steakhouse and Irish finally met my parents. The dinner seemed to go well enough. He was very chatty which surprised me. He made conversation with them very easily. Brother seemed to size him up a bit when shaking his hand, trying to gauge him. Seemed like he was comparing him to my previous boys and maybe seeing bits of himself reflected in Irish.

24th Phi Beta Kappa Inductions
Got there a bit later than intended because it took forever to get ready at Irish’s and then get to UMBC, all the while having to keep up the appearance that I had just walked over from my apartment.

24th Graduation
Was getting really stressed out for awhile and texted Irish while riding into Baltimore with my parents. He reminded me that it was almost over and to just relax. That helped a bit, but the real help and stress reducer was when I ran into Linguist and had a happy/jumping/girly/geeky thing together. We got some pictures together and then went inside. My spirits soared again when I saw Roguewhaler and the other Visual Arts people. The ceremony itself was long as hell, but I was very glad that I had actually done the PBK membership since Freeman mentioned it and we all stood up, getting extra recognition. After what felt like an eternity, it was the art department’s turn to file onto the stage to shake the big guy’s hand and have our pictures taken. After that, the rest of the ceremony is a complete blur and went really fast. When it was done, I tried to grab whoever I could for pictures, which I later uploaded to Facebook. I tried to set something up at the last minute to go out with buddies for food or drink, but it fell through. We did however, go to G&M Crab house, with me still wearing my cap, causing many people to ask about my graduation and eliciting many congratulations.

26th Modern Warfare 2 – Rrrranger Schoooool!!
28th Grades posted – 3 As and a B, woot!

Memorial Day weekend
30th Settlers of Catan playing
31st MetalChef’s place – basketball, water-pong, catchphrase, and zombies

1st kayaking with MetalChef on the river
1st Got the placeholder site up for Dale Corn
2nd-5th Tennessee

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The re-con to Jay’s yesterday was alright. I got all my stuff back from his place finally. The only things left are my saved games on his xbox, but I doubt I’ll be getting those ever. With the addition of laundry and a few things from my apartment to take home, my car was literally full to bursting. It was nuts. I went to get lunch to take to Mom and I had to put it on the driver’s side floor then hold it with my left leg. Good thing I don’t drive a manual.

Overall, there were a few tears and then we hugged at the end of it all. I almost lost it there, but held it together. He, however was crying right after the hug. Then I left and had to get gas and he was going to Josh’s, but then he pulled in behind me in Exxon. That was more than a little awkward. I didn’t even know what to say. He asked if everything was okay, and I replied “Why would I be okay?” It kinda shut him up for a second and then I stopped the gas pump at less than 3 gallons just to get out of there and hit a cheaper spot. he thought I was trying to run away from him and I snapped “NO, I just can’t afford it. I have NO MONEY!” He shut up again and then said goodbye again as I was getting into my car. Then he said “Don’t run me over now” to which I rolled my window down and said smirking, “Don’t tempt me.” He thought I was joking. Pah.

Parent visit was weird though. Talking about Jay and such. Then my mom asked about my life recently and to catch her up on things. So I tried to tell her about Irish and that he’s coming to my graduation dinner and that he’s my boyfriend. She just kept saying, “No, he’s your friend. He’s just a really good friend.” I don’t know what her problem is. Finally I said to her that I’ve known him for months, I’ve been seeing him for months, and that I’ve basically been dating him for months, there was just some overlap with Jay, but that Irish stuck with it and didn’t just run away or give up on me. So now, since I became single again, we’ve been dating a lot more and now he’s my boyfriend. “Who’s idea was that?” she said incredulously. “His. And I’m not gonna fight it.” She just kinda scoffed at me and blew me off.

Later my dad got home and we talked more. When dad asked who Irish was, she said “He’s a good friend.” She was so adamant about it.

I’m wondering what her reaction will be when she finds out we’re going to Tennessee together in a few weeks. Heh. That’s gonna be just peachy.

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Just finished transcribing all the entries I had written in my moleskin notebook. It’s 4am. I need to be at Jay’s to get my stuff in about 8 hours. Fuck. And I have to grab Chinese food on the way to Mom’s from there. I’m looking online right now to see what I should order that’s healthy and not like the crispy chicken I always get. So far my options seem to be:
Moo goo gai pan
chop suey
lo mein (but it’s noodles)
hot and sour soup
miso soup??
white rice

I think I’m gonna go with Chicken Chop Suey. Now watch, that’s what Mom will get. 😛

Now that I’ve wasted entirely too much time, I’m going to read my steam punk romance and try to get some sleep.

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Giving 100%

In a perfect world, it’s the girl’s decision how things will play out when relationships are beginning, especially when there are 2 men vying for the same woman’s affections. But in my world, which is far from perfect, it’s the guy’s call. It seems like it happens every time, and I never get to have control. I always just end up chasing them until I wear them down enough and they finally give up. I’ll spend a ridiculous amount of time with them, try to be involved in their life, and be a part of everything they do. Until finally, they secede and I’m suddenly in a relationship. This needs to change.

I need to change. How? I’m not so sure, but I know it has to be done. Just like I knew that the breakup with Jay had to happen. This is just one of those things. I need to stop pushing myself at a guy so much and so consistently. I need to stop giving exponentially more than I’m getting back.

Though I tell myself this, yet again, this time actually committing it to writing, I know that it’s not that easy. I know that I will continue throwing myself 100% into this thing with Irish, while only being caught by maybe 50% of him. I feel like I could change things by telling him how I feel, but i also fear that he’d not return it, then end the whole endeavor. Neither of us are going for something serious, but I don’t know what exactly I want anymore.

On the one hand, I know that I enjoy the time I spend with him very much and that the things we do and the times we have are absolutely amazing. Not to mention that I feel more attracted to him than I have to anyone in years. Maybe ever. He’s just amazing, honestly. The way I feel when I’m with him is better than anything from recent relationships. And the way he makes me laugh, well that’s also amazing. He’s intelligent, swarthy, coy, suave, and so many other things that don’t even begin to describe him enough. He has his moments, yes, but don’t we all? But then he has his amazing moments, like last night: he grabbed my water and cell phone and brought them to bed, knowing I would want them, without me asking or anything. We’ve also had our little adorable moments of cute and sweet, with holding hands and cuddles. The night he kissed me on the forehead when I cuddled up to him, well it was just, wow. And every time he kisses me in the morning I feel warm and safe and amazing all day. I have the best days when I start them out by his side. I know that I’m falling for him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want me to, but I just can’t help it. I’m pouring myself into him entirely more than I should, but I can’t seem to stop. He’s just so… him.

On the other hand, I know, or at least from what he’s said, he doesn’t want a relationship. The thing is though, whether he realizes it or not, he’s in one. It’s just not serious. And I don’t know if I really want it to be serious or not just yet. I know that I shouldn’t get involved in another relationship after just getting out of one. But the fact of it is, I’ve been wanting to be with him ever since the day we met, so many months ago. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had already moved on from Jay, months before the breakup. So in essence, it feels like we’ve been together for 7 or 8 months, because we have. We just weren’t declared. I feel like he was holding back because of my relationship, but now I don’t know what’s holding him back. It could be anything. My lack of job or real place to live, my not being in shape, or even him just not being as attracted to me as I had hoped. I mean, I feel like I’m a 5 or 6, dating an 8 or 9. And I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve been throwing myself at him, and that it’s counterproductive. I don’t know. I feel like the more I show him how I feel, then the more he’ll pull away. But maybe I’m just being paranoid.

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